I wish I didn’t think I had to have all the answers.Matt Groening-Simpson’s creator
It’s okay to say, “I don’t know but I’ll find out,” and do – fast.
I wish I didn’t take people at face value because sometimes they have agendas that may not include you, or they may use you to make themselves look better. Listen to their words, but watch their actions. It’s good to know the people you are working for. Yes, your employer may be a liar but they will soon know they can’t BS you. You’ve got to work together.
I wish I had taken over work sooner. Sitting back and waiting to be invited for an employer to delegate a task makes us both frustrated. Just jump in and tackle what needs to be done. Even if I overstepped the boundaries, my enthusiasm was usually understood and appreciated.
I wish I had requested help earlier for a second assistant or runner. I cannot and did not need to do it all. It is not a sign of weakness to need help. Sometimes the workload has grown exponentially. Working overtime and weekends is not the answer.
I wish I didn’t think I always had to pretend that my employer or their significant other told me something they didn’t. Reiterate the conversation you remember having and politely correct them. Soon the offender will understand you either have a very good memory or take very good notes. Often it’s a tactic they use with others but again, they will learn it doesn’t work with you and you cannot be the scapegoat.
Okay, so there is not a personal assistant out there who has not been left with their mouth hanging open because their employer said something so outrageous to them that they cannot even respond. Even the most Teflon coated of PA’s has had these moments.
Why do people say the most outlandish things and expect their assistants not to bat an eye? Because you are in their home and in their world. They are comfortable. They are being themselves and able to let their guard down; because everyone says things without a filter; because you signed up to be there and be their confidant and right hand; and if they have to watch every word that comes out of their mouth, like they do when they are in front of the paparazzi, that’s not the refuge of “home.”
However, and this is huge, YOU always have the choice how you respond, take abuse or not. So many assistants take abuse and become silently and deliberately passive-aggressive. Don’t go there. Do both of you a favor and quit first. Start looking for another job when the kitchen gets too hot. Life is too short and if you’re good, there are other jobs for you. Contrary to popular belief, they will not ruin you. Move on.
This blog was inspired by Lady Gaga’s recent verbal vomit spewed on her assistant in a deposition. She forgot she wasn’t at home and more importantly, forgot her assistant was not traveling and working 24 hr. days voluntarily. Even worst, maybe she didn’t forget and believes her own hype? Day in and day out, performers are especially revered and some forget they are just like their assistants: living-breathing-human-being. Celebrities have chosen a field where they are worshiped for a job well done, but they are no better than any one of us, agreed?
Now anyone who has been a celebrity assistant knows the tabloid writers consider it their duty to write stories of complete and utter fantasy to sell rags and those I don’t comment on. But this was from court documents, so it allows me to illustrate the extreme dysfunction of this relationship that was not only blurring the lines but in a complete fog! These two, Gaga and her assistant, are both responsible. If you’re partying with your employer and not there to look out for them or manage the party, but are wearing their clothes and drinking until the wee hours, sharing their bed, you’ve gotten very confused. You can’t have it both ways. If you’re taking a paycheck, do the job. If you’re their friend, don’t take the paycheck. Which is it?
What a lot of people don’t understand is that some celebrities don’t have time for friendships or don’t trust the ones they have. The assistant may become one of the few people they can trust. And that’s a good thing and you both must respect this situation. But they can get confused too. Are you their friend or expect to be paid for every minute you are with them? Get is straight from the beginning. Negotiate travel arrangements. Do you get paid for being away from your family? Absolutely. If your employer needs you there 24/7 you will be in the private jet, staying in the high-end hotel, drinking $10 bottled water from your hotel mini bar and ordering $30 hamburgers on the room service menu because you are there for their convenience. They don’t have McDonald’s at the Four Seasons. But remember to say thanks when you’re employer does something special, if they give you expensive gifts, or invite you (when you’re not working) to an opening or party.
Don’t misunderstand me, you’re entitled to be human and care about those you are working with and should, but don’t get caught up in the lifestyle. It’s their life, not yours. Create your perfect life. Enjoy your family. Don’t get caught up in breathing that rarefied air or you may believe your own hype.
I was talking to a childhood friend of mine who is an anesthesiologist. What he liked best about his job is that every day he is challenged to do his best, because anything less can mean death for his patient. Wow, and I think I am under pressure at work?
The personal assistant’s job, while challenging and rewarding at times, also puts you first on the firing line. Too often we do 1,000 things right only to be judged for that one thing that goes wrong. I know of what I speak since I am my worst prosecutor. Sometimes we get caught up in the drama of the moment or the daggers being thrown at us. We can either take them in the gut or catch them in our teeth (your choice).
The first thing to do is to acknowledge your mistake and why you made it. This includes taking full responsibility in your part and identifying what part others played. This is important because you will learn from this on how to (or not) proceed working with them in the future. Once you’ve learned the lesson by determining what you will do differently the next time, you must address any feeling of inadequacy you are having about the experience. For me, it’s all about getting back your perspective.
One little coping mechanism I have for when things go horribly wrong and I am beating myself up is what I call my point-of-view cam. I picture myself in my home dealing with whatever problem, tragedy or issue that I think is beyond me. In my mind, I pan out to the bigger surrounding of my home (similar to Google’s “birds eye view”) of my neighborhood, then the city, state, continent, from the moon, from our solar system, and beyond. And myself, which has now become an infinitesimal dot, makes me realize it’s not that bad in the grand overall scheme of things. I have also learned that whatever issue that is bothering me now will not be one year from now. This, along with my doctor friend’s story, jolts me to reality as well.
Coping mechanism number two: sit back and put things in context by remembering people are poor, children are fighting for their lives, people are dying, parents have lost children. You will not be able to look at your “crisis” the same way. If other’s won’t let it go, then they’ve got to deal with it in their own way. By addressing the issue and letting others know you’ve taken responsibility and learned should lighten their load of knowing it won’t happen again.
I do my best to get the lesson in the experience and then I do an even better job of telling myself to “gettova it!”
A man friend of mine once said the best way to get through a relationship with a man was to have no expectations of him. Wait, hold up? Say what? Yes, I pondered that for about a nano-second, and then realized that is what HE expects from his relationships, and frankly, how selfish is that? How can you be in any type of relationship and not have expectations? I would expect my spouse to be kind, thoughtful, faithful, loving, and respectful, etc…or why get married?
Now when it comes to work as a personal assistant, there are some areas where it is best to have no expectations. You see it is easy to get used to being around fame and fortune. The private jets, the 5-star hotels, the amazing bonus checks, trips to Hawaii, brand new iPhones or Chanel hand-me-downs are all things I’ve been lucky enough to experience regularly. I have also been given a car, a necklace from Van Cleef and Arpels, whole gift baskets from the Academy Awards (yes the ones valued at ridiculous amounts) and so much more.
But to expect gifts, to expect a monetary bonus when you are already paid for your work, to expect to always fly first class, for example, is a recipe for disaster. After all, you agreed to work for a price, perform those services, and get paid. Anything extra is gravy! So I tell you, don’t expect the perks, you’ll be so much more grateful for them when they come and will not have animosity when you don’t get something that was never promised in the first place. What you should expect from a client/employer is to be treated with respect, appreciated for your expertise, and to be willing to work towards mutual trust.
The real lesson is to enjoy the experience and take from it what you will want to manifest for yourself. There are very few people who get to intimately witness firsthand how the very wealthy live so to be able to experience it and learn from it, is a very “rich” experience. Very few people go to work in sprawling estates. I know it’s not all bells and whistles. I was 9 months pregnant with my 3rd child and had to walk a four-story 20,000 square foot residence during a construction I was managing. I hated it then. I appreciate it now for what I learned about the process of building an estate from scratch. And while I’m on the subject of those with extreme wealth, it may surprise other assistants to know that there is not one person I have ever worked for that I would change places with. Don’t get me wrong; I work to build a residual income stream so I can have the luxury of time that financial freedom brings. But I have seen and experienced that while money dissolves a whole lot of problems, it also brings a different set of challenges with it. Like everything in life, enjoy the experience and opportunity and learn all you can.
Sue McGaughey says it best in this link: http://uflifestyle.com/2012/10/08/living-a-rich-life/
This is the toughest year for you and your employer. This is because if good files were not left for you, you are re-creating the wheel as far as getting to know the preferences of your new employer. But no problem (right?) for the fearless extreme assistant that you are!
As with any new job, there is a lot to get to know. But for a personal assistant there are many foundational lists to be made: who do they give gifts to regularly; where do they like to eat; travel preferences; food preferences; medical issues and allergies, best friends, holiday gift lists, holiday card lists; habits and routines; etc. There are other lists of vendors they prefer to use as well. If you are lucky enough to have those lists readily available and currently updated, lucky you. However, those I have followed enjoyed shredding those lists, no, torching them all the while dancing around the fire like they were at the Burning Man Festival.
What do you do? I have a small list of important forms I fill out on each category for every new client I get now. Sometimes they will happily fill it out, sometimes you have to sneak in questions and ask for five minutes a day for the first month or so, (as long as their patience holds out). More than likely you will learn from assimilation and observation. But it will really pay off in year two!
The other bit of good news is usually the first couple of months you’re really in the bonding year, the honeymoon period, if you will. You can make mistakes that are easily forgiven and your new employer and their existing team will do more to assist you! If you are honest with your need to understand and take notes so you don’t have to repeat the questions, soon you’ll know the routines and preferences like your own. Your Sylvia Brown mind-reading gene will kick in and, if the match is right, you’ll be on your way to a successful future together and live happily every after.
Whenever I picture other personal assistants, I see someone on the go, focused, and handling multiple chores at one time and switching into those roles without missing a beat. I often thought it would be funny to have a shelf in my office with different hats on the shelf. As the next request came up, I would say, “Hold on,” take off one hat and put on the next, “okay, speak,” and on and on it would go as I systematically put on five or more hats within a three-minute conversation. When you’re the go-to person, you are handling such a variety of situations in one household, you could easily wear ten hats or more in one hour or one day: accountant, secretary, data processor, pharmacist, construction manager, shopper, employer, staff manager, sales manager, publicist, manager, psychiatrist, nanny, pet sitter, organizer, party planner…well, you get the picture.
On crazy busy days here’s the hat I wear the most.
And here are the tools I must always have on hand to do my job effectively:
Paper and pen
Cell phone (preferably an android type)
Calendar
Laptop computer
A good bottle of wine
A good night’s sleep
A good man
(okay, you can omit the last two…maybe)
There are just some of the organizational systems and forms I have developed which are my lifelines:
Employer information list system
Weekly/Monthly/Annual house maintenance system
Filing system (business and personal)
Medical insurance billing system
Staff scheduling/hiring/firing system
Petty cash system
Accounting / bill pay system
Order taking, fulfillment and shipping system
Call sheets and end-of-day update forms
On-going grocery lists
Hot Sheet of important telephone numbers
Holiday Gift/Card Lists
Monthly Birthday Lists
Legal forms
Clearly the job of personal assistant is one that encompasses many and you’d be smart to sneak some of your employers Xanax pills every once in a while! (Just kidding, I don’t know anyone who takes that???) This is the one constant with every employer I’ve ever had-not the Xanax but wearing many hats part. With your demonstrated competency the job usually morphs into as many areas that you can handle so remember, at some point to re-assess and request a runner or a 2nd assistant to help with the more routine tasks and allow yourself the tools, systems and forms to help you do it easier. Remember to be humble and know you can’t do it all and still do it well without the help and cooperation of co-workers and systems.
P.S. Don’t take credit for the help you get. Support rocks!
