Often a friend and I joke that because we’ve been personal assistants so long and having put up with so much abuse in our early years, I began to say we are “Damaged Goods.” We became numb to reality, numb to outrageous requests, numb to personal attacks, numb to unreasonable workdays, work schedules and ill-intentioned people. But we are not without responsibility. We were young and dumb but boy have we learned. We have learned that when your work situation is so far off from what you personally consider reasonable and manageable, you’ve got to make an important decision for yourself, for your personal integrity.
Michael Jackson’s lifestyle is a perfect example of this situation. Some people in his household were willing to take the paycheck while turning a blind eye to some things that ended up being fatal for their employer. They put up with the lunacy because they knew they would just be replaced. It’s a very hard call. You are powerless to change things so you must make a decision to conform or quit. Either way the behavior will continue with or without you.
One of the things I teach assistants is that if you are not at all compatible with your employer:
1) Plan an exit strategy. Plan when you want to have a new job and when you will give notice. Work that plan. And for some, that may mean a completely different industry.
2) Don’t discuss or berate your employer for their ways with others. It solves absolutely nothing except promoting more bad energy. You have power by not allowing yourself the mindset of being victimized. You know you have choices.
3) Give notice and say simply that you don’t think this job is for you any longer and that you are giving notice. That’s okay. You don’t need to elaborate. You don’t need to point out instances where they were wrong and you were right. Explain that you intend to give adequate notice and do your job in the same manner until the two weeks are up and are committed to still being the same loyal and dependable assistant during this transition.
Believe me, you are doing them a favor. No one wants someone in their home who is judging them or who has a difference of opinion of their every decision.
At the end of the day it all boils down to having personal integrity. No one can tell you what that is for you. Everyone has their own barometer of what is their “last straw” when they will say, “I have to live with me, do what’s best for me, I cannot condone this and so I must quit.”
I wish I didn’t think I had to have all the answers.Matt Groening-Simpson’s creator
It’s okay to say, “I don’t know but I’ll find out,” and do – fast.
I wish I didn’t take people at face value because sometimes they have agendas that may not include you, or they may use you to make themselves look better. Listen to their words, but watch their actions. It’s good to know the people you are working for. Yes, your employer may be a liar but they will soon know they can’t BS you. You’ve got to work together.
I wish I had taken over work sooner. Sitting back and waiting to be invited for an employer to delegate a task makes us both frustrated. Just jump in and tackle what needs to be done. Even if I overstepped the boundaries, my enthusiasm was usually understood and appreciated.
I wish I had requested help earlier for a second assistant or runner. I cannot and did not need to do it all. It is not a sign of weakness to need help. Sometimes the workload has grown exponentially. Working overtime and weekends is not the answer.
I wish I didn’t think I always had to pretend that my employer or their significant other told me something they didn’t. Reiterate the conversation you remember having and politely correct them. Soon the offender will understand you either have a very good memory or take very good notes. Often it’s a tactic they use with others but again, they will learn it doesn’t work with you and you cannot be the scapegoat.
Okay, so there is not a personal assistant out there who has not been left with their mouth hanging open because their employer said something so outrageous to them that they cannot even respond. Even the most Teflon coated of PA’s has had these moments.
Why do people say the most outlandish things and expect their assistants not to bat an eye? Because you are in their home and in their world. They are comfortable. They are being themselves and able to let their guard down; because everyone says things without a filter; because you signed up to be there and be their confidant and right hand; and if they have to watch every word that comes out of their mouth, like they do when they are in front of the paparazzi, that’s not the refuge of “home.”
However, and this is huge, YOU always have the choice how you respond, take abuse or not. So many assistants take abuse and become silently and deliberately passive-aggressive. Don’t go there. Do both of you a favor and quit first. Start looking for another job when the kitchen gets too hot. Life is too short and if you’re good, there are other jobs for you. Contrary to popular belief, they will not ruin you. Move on.
This blog was inspired by Lady Gaga’s recent verbal vomit spewed on her assistant in a deposition. She forgot she wasn’t at home and more importantly, forgot her assistant was not traveling and working 24 hr. days voluntarily. Even worst, maybe she didn’t forget and believes her own hype? Day in and day out, performers are especially revered and some forget they are just like their assistants: living-breathing-human-being. Celebrities have chosen a field where they are worshiped for a job well done, but they are no better than any one of us, agreed?
Now anyone who has been a celebrity assistant knows the tabloid writers consider it their duty to write stories of complete and utter fantasy to sell rags and those I don’t comment on. But this was from court documents, so it allows me to illustrate the extreme dysfunction of this relationship that was not only blurring the lines but in a complete fog! These two, Gaga and her assistant, are both responsible. If you’re partying with your employer and not there to look out for them or manage the party, but are wearing their clothes and drinking until the wee hours, sharing their bed, you’ve gotten very confused. You can’t have it both ways. If you’re taking a paycheck, do the job. If you’re their friend, don’t take the paycheck. Which is it?
What a lot of people don’t understand is that some celebrities don’t have time for friendships or don’t trust the ones they have. The assistant may become one of the few people they can trust. And that’s a good thing and you both must respect this situation. But they can get confused too. Are you their friend or expect to be paid for every minute you are with them? Get is straight from the beginning. Negotiate travel arrangements. Do you get paid for being away from your family? Absolutely. If your employer needs you there 24/7 you will be in the private jet, staying in the high-end hotel, drinking $10 bottled water from your hotel mini bar and ordering $30 hamburgers on the room service menu because you are there for their convenience. They don’t have McDonald’s at the Four Seasons. But remember to say thanks when you’re employer does something special, if they give you expensive gifts, or invite you (when you’re not working) to an opening or party.
Don’t misunderstand me, you’re entitled to be human and care about those you are working with and should, but don’t get caught up in the lifestyle. It’s their life, not yours. Create your perfect life. Enjoy your family. Don’t get caught up in breathing that rarefied air or you may believe your own hype.
I was talking to a childhood friend of mine who is an anesthesiologist. What he liked best about his job is that every day he is challenged to do his best, because anything less can mean death for his patient. Wow, and I think I am under pressure at work?
The personal assistant’s job, while challenging and rewarding at times, also puts you first on the firing line. Too often we do 1,000 things right only to be judged for that one thing that goes wrong. I know of what I speak since I am my worst prosecutor. Sometimes we get caught up in the drama of the moment or the daggers being thrown at us. We can either take them in the gut or catch them in our teeth (your choice).
The first thing to do is to acknowledge your mistake and why you made it. This includes taking full responsibility in your part and identifying what part others played. This is important because you will learn from this on how to (or not) proceed working with them in the future. Once you’ve learned the lesson by determining what you will do differently the next time, you must address any feeling of inadequacy you are having about the experience. For me, it’s all about getting back your perspective.
One little coping mechanism I have for when things go horribly wrong and I am beating myself up is what I call my point-of-view cam. I picture myself in my home dealing with whatever problem, tragedy or issue that I think is beyond me. In my mind, I pan out to the bigger surrounding of my home (similar to Google’s “birds eye view”) of my neighborhood, then the city, state, continent, from the moon, from our solar system, and beyond. And myself, which has now become an infinitesimal dot, makes me realize it’s not that bad in the grand overall scheme of things. I have also learned that whatever issue that is bothering me now will not be one year from now. This, along with my doctor friend’s story, jolts me to reality as well.
Coping mechanism number two: sit back and put things in context by remembering people are poor, children are fighting for their lives, people are dying, parents have lost children. You will not be able to look at your “crisis” the same way. If other’s won’t let it go, then they’ve got to deal with it in their own way. By addressing the issue and letting others know you’ve taken responsibility and learned should lighten their load of knowing it won’t happen again.
I do my best to get the lesson in the experience and then I do an even better job of telling myself to “gettova it!”
A man friend of mine once said the best way to get through a relationship with a man was to have no expectations of him. Wait, hold up? Say what? Yes, I pondered that for about a nano-second, and then realized that is what HE expects from his relationships, and frankly, how selfish is that? How can you be in any type of relationship and not have expectations? I would expect my spouse to be kind, thoughtful, faithful, loving, and respectful, etc…or why get married?
Now when it comes to work as a personal assistant, there are some areas where it is best to have no expectations. You see it is easy to get used to being around fame and fortune. The private jets, the 5-star hotels, the amazing bonus checks, trips to Hawaii, brand new iPhones or Chanel hand-me-downs are all things I’ve been lucky enough to experience regularly. I have also been given a car, a necklace from Van Cleef and Arpels, whole gift baskets from the Academy Awards (yes the ones valued at ridiculous amounts) and so much more.
But to expect gifts, to expect a monetary bonus when you are already paid for your work, to expect to always fly first class, for example, is a recipe for disaster. After all, you agreed to work for a price, perform those services, and get paid. Anything extra is gravy! So I tell you, don’t expect the perks, you’ll be so much more grateful for them when they come and will not have animosity when you don’t get something that was never promised in the first place. What you should expect from a client/employer is to be treated with respect, appreciated for your expertise, and to be willing to work towards mutual trust.
The real lesson is to enjoy the experience and take from it what you will want to manifest for yourself. There are very few people who get to intimately witness firsthand how the very wealthy live so to be able to experience it and learn from it, is a very “rich” experience. Very few people go to work in sprawling estates. I know it’s not all bells and whistles. I was 9 months pregnant with my 3rd child and had to walk a four-story 20,000 square foot residence during a construction I was managing. I hated it then. I appreciate it now for what I learned about the process of building an estate from scratch. And while I’m on the subject of those with extreme wealth, it may surprise other assistants to know that there is not one person I have ever worked for that I would change places with. Don’t get me wrong; I work to build a residual income stream so I can have the luxury of time that financial freedom brings. But I have seen and experienced that while money dissolves a whole lot of problems, it also brings a different set of challenges with it. Like everything in life, enjoy the experience and opportunity and learn all you can.
Sue McGaughey says it best in this link: http://uflifestyle.com/2012/10/08/living-a-rich-life/
There are a lot of things that the average Joe doesn’t know exists in our world. There are travel perks that have been reserved for the élite few that want to pay for certain high-end services. I thought it would be fun to mention a few of my favorites.
FLIGHT DELAY? NO PROBLEM–Do you know about airport lounges at most airports where you do not wait with the general public, but in a plush and comfortable lounge? This is becoming popular with business travelers who can gain access with frequent travel miles as well and all first class passengers or Am Ex Platinum and above members. Upon entering you are greeted by the desk concierge who checks that you are authorized and checks your departure (if you get too comfortable and forget your flight). Here you enter a world of cyber cafes, teleconferencing rooms, comfortable lounge chairs, and depending on your carrier, some include barbers, manicurists, full spa services like facials and massages, work stations, theaters, bedrooms, lockers, showers, libraries, bar, food, sushi bars with chefs, living rooms, etc. They are tucked away at all major airports. Some major carriers have their own or partner with others. Lufthansa Germany even assigns you a personal assistant and shuttles you to your flight in your choice of luxury automobile from their private first class terminal! But alas, for us common folk, in La La Land (where who better knows that dollar is king), you can always pay to use the day lounge in the Tom Bradley terminal. Brilliant!
AIRPORT PARKING NIGHTMARE NO MORE–Did you know if you go to LAX airport there is a parking service extraordinaire? Here you can drive up to the curb, a man jumps in with a clipboard while you drive to your terminal, takes your credit card number, flight information of when to pick you up and you tell them what you want done to your car while you are gone? You can pick anything from an oil change to full detail and gas fill up. He checks off his list and bids you bye-bye. No reservations are necessary. Then when you are due to return, they monitor your flight (in case of delays) and are curbside with your car. You jump in and drop them off on your way out of the terminal. What could be easier?
MEET & GREET–Did you know at most airports, not only can your limo driver drop you off, but he can coordinate with a “meet-and-greet” service at the airport to assist your departure and arrival? This person meets your limo (or town car) curbside and assists you through to the first class counter, gets your boarding passes, bags checked, and escorts you all the way to the gate (or in most cases, your lounge). They can also meet you at your gate upon arrival, make sure your driver is curbside, and retrieves your luggage all while you are sitting in your car. This is a private service that work at most airports through your car company.
AIRPORT PARKING–Did you know when you’re in a private jet, your driver can pull right up to the plane on the tarmac and walk right up the ramp into your plane? Your driver, pilot and co-pilot load your luggage into the plane and the flight attendant makes sure you have drink in hand before you ever leave for take off? And yes, when flying internationally, the passport agent comes to you–onto your plane to check your documents. No long lines at the terminals!
DOWN COMFORTER ON YOUR PLANE BED?–Did you know on some first class transatlantic flights, they offer massages, private bars/clubs, chefs, fully extending private sleeping pods, private TV, DVD collection of movies for you to pick from, personal travel kit, down comforters, pillows, 5 star menu including steak and lobster, and just about anything else short of flying the plane! Who would want to leave when you arrive at your destination?
FLIGHT OF FANCY-One of my favorite stories was when I was working for a good friend at holiday time in Holmby Hills, an exclusive LA neighborhood. She was a personal assistant to a very, very wealthy family. Her employers decided to go to lunch on short notice with their son…in Texas! I asked her which FBO (fixed based operator) they flew out of so I could help coordinate. (FBO’s are the smaller carriers at airports terminals most private jets fly out of.) When she replied, “LAX,” I knew it had to be a large plane and not one of the smaller airports/terminals. Turns out it was a private commercial 737. I can only imagine what the gas was just for a couple hour excursion! A $100K lunch for sure!
It is important for the extreme assistant that you know what is available so you can navigate these waters for clients. And while you may be along for the ride, you’re the one coordinating with the meet and greet, the pilots, the drivers, the trip changes etc. etc., to make sure their trip is even more effortless.
In the world of travel, like anything else, you are only limited by what you can afford. For further evidence of this, check out the links below:
Often a friend and I joke that because we’ve been personal assistants so long and having put up with so much abuse in our early years, I began to say we are “Damaged Goods.” We became numb to reality, numb to outrageous requests, numb to personal attacks, numb to unreasonable workdays, work schedules and ill-intentioned people. But we are not without responsibility. We were young and dumb but boy have we learned. We have learned that when your work situation is so far off from what you personally consider reasonable and manageable, you’ve got to make an important decision for yourself, for your personal integrity.
